Welcome Back.

Ive decided to give this blogging thing one more ‘go’. Im kind of a fair weather blogger. When I feel good, I blog. When Im busy, run down, disheartened, pissy, and in a bad space, I give it up. THIS is my stumbling block! I real quite a few blogs religiously, and though it has taken me a ridiculously long time, Ive realized that the reason I like reading them is because they make me feel ‘normal’. I like reading about being a struggling parent, a master money saver, a domestic godess, and I enjoy laughing at the misfortunate and vulnerability of other people. Sick and twisted? Yes, undoubtedly, but I take comfort in realizing that other people are just as _______ as me. Its Kathartic to have somone else articulate, in way Ive never been able to, just how I feel and even why I feel that way. And so, Ive deicded to give blogging another shot…. but this time Im going to try something new.

My previous blog attempts… the failed ones…have been attempts at amusing other people. I enjoy sharing my life, its comedy, tragedy, and relative oddness. I enjoy entertaining people. I think its the actress in me. The neglected, forgotten, and abandoned actress in me that is laying in wait for an oppertunity to spring to life. I enjoy telling stories, just ask my freinds, and I enjoy soliciting a response (for better or worse) Its taken me a while, but I think I have unearthed my blogging niche.

I like to entertain people by writing about my shortcomings. I had a ‘eureka’ moment a few days ago, and realzied that THIS is exactly why I blog. Shortly after, I realized that THIS is what makes a number of blogs successful. People like cheering on the underdog, they enjoy knowing that the rest of the world is pathetic like them, they take comfort in knowing they are part of the majority and not alone. So, Im going to try bloggin again (yes I know ive said that a few times now… stay with me…Im almost there…) and Im going to do what is quite possibly the most difficult thing for me (other than being quiet)… being vulnerable. Ok, lame? Yeah, quite possibly… but the truth. I have a very difficult time being vulnerable. I blame it on my Dad, but that is a story for a different day (a LONG and tedious story).

So, Im going to honestly (and hopefully somewhat poetically) write about the reality of my days. Good, bad, ugly.

That being said, Im not going to get into the nitty gritty tonight. Hubby is at work, Thing 2 (my 8 month old) is asleep in the crib for the first time in… well ever really, and I have the WHOLE bed to myself. What luxury! Yup, Im going to give up checking FB every 10 mins in case somone has posted on my wall at midnight (some things can’t wait till the morning, right?), checking the weekly grocery flyers for deals and coupons (again, some thigns can’t wait till the morning right?), and Im going to climb my hairy legs into bed and streeeeetccccchhhh out as much as I can.

If you REALLY need a fix, check out the blogs I follow to experience some REAL talent!

“The Changes”

I have decided to join the ranks of my talented blogging idols and write a little bit about “The Changes,” less poetically known as the odd shit that starts happening when you become a parent. I could write about the obvious ones that have become eerily accurate cliches like 1) When you have kids you have less sex or 2) Having kids makes you keenly aware of how fast time slips by, BUT Id like to try something a little different and have you all confirm my worst fear… that Im the only one!

When I had kids…

…I stopped sleeping naked. I don’t have the luxury of fumbling in the dark while the fire alarm screams, desperately struggling to find something, ANYTHING to cover my nakedness in order to spare the neighbours the discomfort of viewing my indecently white bum. Nope! Now I have to fumble in the dark to save my babies. I need to spend those precious seconds jumping out of bed like I’ve been Kancho’ed by a small Japanese boy squealing at his good aim *, and RUN to scoop my girls before they are seared! Yup. I COULD sleep naked, but then I WOULD end up naked on the lawn, with the neighbours never again looking directly at me. So, I stopped sleeping naked. Safer for everyone.

… I found myself bitching about the state of change tables in restaurants and planning our culinary outtings around THEM. Steve and I used to organize our dinners out around the cocktail selections. If we felt like beer we’d trek out to Taylor’s Crossing in North Vancouver for some delish micro brew. If we wanted martini’s we head to Delilah’s (which I discovered, while I was searching for their website, has closed! Sigh!). If we just wanted something cold, tastey and within stumbling distance home we’d hit the Hop and Vine Pub (Which I’ve just discovered has changed from a local watering hole to a fancy ‘tap house’). But now? Now I plan were we are going based on how functional, clean and equitable the change tables and their locations are. My first requirement is that they actually HAVE a changing location. I am annoyed to no end when some skinny, perky, ‘helpful’ server who obviously has no kids says something about using the bathroom counter, which I usually discover is a mere 8sq inches. NOT helpful when my kid is 35 inches long! My second rquirement is that it is ‘clean’. Im not asking for spotless, squeaky clean… but I don’t want my kids to get any feices born diseases from it! and lastly (THIS is a big one) I want there to be a changetable with equal access for both myself and hubby. Why should I be the only one to deal with nasty disgusting stuff in the middle of dinner? Ah… good times.

…I started double checking that the doors ARE, in fact,locked before I go to bed. Over and over and over again. I probably check to make sure they are locked 6+ times before  go to bed. We are talking, borderline OCD, kind of checking. I was never afraid of the axe wielding maniac before kids, but now I am SURE someone is going to break in and take one as a hostage. Really, the jokes on them… my kids are a handful… but yes, I obsessively check the locks at bedtime!

…I started making sure that my beer bottles are on the TOP shelf of the fridge, and at the VERY back. Why, you ask? Well, little hands are not attached to a body that is tall enough to reach that sacred part of the fridge. I know its just a matter of time, but for now, I cling to the cool, crisp, delicious beer haven in the back right hand corner of that top shelf!

…I stopped drinking delightfully hot coffee. This happened for two reasons, one deliberate, the other more of a cause and effect type thing. First of all, I stopped drinking piping hot coffee in the morning because I didn’t want my curious baby (now toddler) to crawl over, dump, and scald herself. So, I started ‘milking down’ my coffee, adding indecent quantities of milk to make sure it was luke warm and safe for spills. Later, I abandoned this step of the morning coffee ritual because I had a second baby, and I never manage to drink my coffee while it is still hot anymore. Now I brew, pour, read a book, change a diaper, reprimand, change a diaper, wrangle, wrestle, peek-a-boo, and theeeeeennnnn drink what has become my stone cold coffee. I’ve given up fighting this reality.. some days I even add ice cubes now, just for kicks!

I could go on. Sadly, I COULD go on. These are just some of the changes off the top of my head. Im sure If I gave it some thought I could regail you with other, more entertaining tales of my current state of patheticness. *ahem* I mean my current state of bliss, being the mother of two of the worlds most endearing souls!!

* Kimbo, that was JUST for you

Drunk-Dial? Nope! Drung Blog!!

Warning: I am drunk, exhasted, alone, and its Tuesday night. Wait, IS it Tuesday?

 

I am declaring Tuesday my new FAVORITE day! “Why?” you ask all bewildered. “What is so special about Tuesday? Its not the weekend, its not taco night and its TUESDAY!?” Well, let me set the record straight.

I lobve Tuesday because its Tuesday RIGHT NOW, Im slightly inebriated (well no, Im drunk), everyone in my house is asleep except me, and Ive got good PVRed TV. Ha!

Pathetic, yes. Reality, yes!!

I have been going non stop for weeks being the one caregiver for our kids, AND taking care of my wonderful Hubby as he recovers from cancer related surgery. I’ve been working out 6 days a week, dieting healthy, baking cupcakes, skipping/jump-roping (HONESTLY its HARD!!) non stop for 5 mins 2 times a day, cleaning, cooking, baking cupcakes, cleaning, being a nurse, creating memories for my girls, missing my mom, baking cupcakes, being a pharmacist, vacuuming (OH LORD THE VACUUMING!!), dancing, juggling, drinking coffee, and sleeping.

Ive been going NON STOP. And you know what? Im exhausted! Physically, emotionally, and maybe even spritually (well, no probably not, but It feels like a good thing to put on the list. Lets chalk that one up to the alcohol).

Im spent (I actually just said that out loud with a terrible british accent. Feel free to laugh at me, its warranted). Im done done done!!!

So, tonight, I grabbed a bottle of my favourite summer wine, snuggled up on the couch with my wonderful (however gimpy) husband and we enjoyed a cathartic evening of Tuesday night TV.  I, for the record, LOVE the Tuesday night line up. Drama, comedy, Glee (where does it fit in?). Laughs, smiles, tears, giggles, and even a stupid love grin (0r 5!). I snuggled and cuddled, and for the first time in a LONG time, I felt relaxed. I felt like there was nowhere to be, no one to let down, nothing to juggle. I was relaxed (I have a sneaking suspicon the bottle of wine had something to do with that, ha).

I needed tonight! I REEEEEEEEALLLY needed tonight. Ive been working so hard to ‘keep it together’ for so many weeks I hardly knew how to unwind. After a good snuggle, I tucked Steve into bed, dragged my significantly smaller bum (Yes! 40 lbs smaller) bum back to the couch, put my feet up, and cried. No. Sobbed. Cried and cired and cried!

I needed the cry as much as I needed the downtime. Im not one to admit Im falling apart, but I am. Well, maybe I  was… I think Im rebuilding right now… I think the falling apart is over… I REALLY hope the falling apart is over.

And once I finished my pity party I turned the TV back on. I watched ‘The New Girl” which instantly lifted my mood (it was the douchbag jar that sealed the deal and made my LOVE the show… I can think of a few guys that need one of those!!) and I made a declaration.

TUESDAY NIGHT IS MYYYYYYY NIGHT! As my world falls apart around me OR as it improves exponentially, I am going to hang up my ‘mom’ and ‘wife’ hats on Tuesday night and just enjoy being ME. Im going to put my feet up, Im going to enjoy a beer, and Im going to let everything else wait until tomorrow (well, almost everything. You never really get to stop being a mom… especially with one teething and the other with monsters under the bed). I feel liberated, empowered, and… drunk.

Eeek. Only 5 hours till the alarm goes off, I pack up the 2 kids and gimpy husband, drive in rush-hour traffic to St. Pauls Hospital DOWNTOWN, and meet with the surgeon about Steve’s next surgery and his oncologist about radiation treatment. I should sleep, its going to be a LONG one.

I hope you enjoyed my rant. Is it a rant? More of a declaration, right? No, hmmm. An unloading… a confession…. a…..??? Whatever.

I LOVE TUESDAY NIGHT! You are always welcome here on a Tuesday night as long as you wanna kickback, relax, and you don’t expect me to do anything

 

ps. Steve just popped his head in the living room and told me that if I drunk dial any of my ex’s he’s gunna tickle metill I pee. Romantic no? What a goof. We’ve been together for 13 years, since I was 15, how many ex’s do I have to call?? HAAAAAAAAA!!

Hit cancer where it hurts!!

 

 

Help me make a difference!!!

http://donate.bccancerfoundation.com/goto/kelseykeller

Pop Quiz!

School starts today! Well, it starts for all the school aged kids, all the parents, and all of the teachers who are NOT on maternity leave like me (YIPPEE!! I have 9 more months at home with my girls!). Just for fun, a pop quiz for you. Which pictures are of Kahlen and which are of Khloe?

Most of you probably won’t have much trouble, I like to pretend they look similar than the do, but its something ‘fun’ to do instead of what you SHOULD be doing!

50 Things (#50)

#50: Being TOTALY infatuated with the fact that you have boobs…remember how excited you were to take them bra shopping and show them off in a baby tee? (also, remember baby tees?!)

CHECK!

(Love em more and more each year…granted I may not be singing such a positive tune after nursing both my girls, ha!)

50 Things (#11)

I recent bought a Cosmopolitan magazine to help me kill some time while waiting for some of Steve’s test results. I haven’t bought one in… probably 10 years or so… and honestly nothing had really changed.

There was a quiz, an article about what he REALLY wants, a sob story about some woman who overcame extraordinary circumstances, some super lame relationship Q and A, and a TON of advertisements for things that will never fit me

BUT I did find a list that intrigued me. It is a list of “50 Things you Should Never Have Stopped Doing!”. Some are cute, others ridiculous, and some just terrifying. So, I started a little side project. I am going to endeavor to do as many of the 50 things as I can before the end of 2011. I will keep you posted on my progress, might even tape a few of them for your viewing pleasure (and so you can laugh your ass off at me!)

So, In no particular order, Today’s “Thing”: #11- Running around naked, just because.

CHECK!!

Questions.

To those of you who do not know the ‘joy’ of the incessant question asking 2 year old, let me bring you up to speed. ITS THE MOST ANNOYING TORTURE EVER! I swear Kahlen asks me at least 50 times a day “Where did baby Khloe go?” The most infuriating part is that 9 out of 10 times she is standing RIGHT BESIDE KHLOE, LOOKING AT HER!  Other Favorite questions are “Where is daddy?” “Where did Auntie go?” and “What’s that sound?”

Somewhere around the 30th time Kahlen asked me “What’s that sound?” today, my mind began to wander.

What IS that sound? It’s the sound of the washing machine clunking. Yup, Ive done it again. I’ve gone and broken the washing machine again. What a faking nightmare. I don’t want to sit on the phone waiting for some half-witted idiot, working for minimum wage, to tell me that its going to take 2 weeks for some resentful Sears representative to even come look at the damn machine. I can barely go 2 days without doing laundry! Don’t they understand I have two kids. Gaw. THAT is the sound of frustration! THAT is the sound of wasted hours sitting at home to the repair guy that is at least 3 hours late! THAT is the sound of….

and then Kahlen exclaims “Music!”. Oh, she was asking about the sound of the music coming from her much beloved toy piano from Auntie Kim (I WILL get you back for getting her such a loud toy!). Oops. My bad!

Later today Kahlen asks, for the 40-somethingth time, “where did daddy go?” And I find my mind wandering again.

Where DID daddy go? Your right kiddo. Where has he gone? He just hasn’t been himself lately. I know this whole Cancer (do you capitalize it?) thing has been really stressful for him. The looming surgery date is making us all a bit tense and short with each other. I dont feel like myself either. Maybe I should plan a nice dinner for us all, just enjoy some time together without thinking about the tumors in his lungs. yeah, a nice dinner… maybe something from that new Rachel Ray cookbook he bought me… I think he bookmarked some chicken dish….

And then Kahlen exclaims “There! There! In da picture TV (her term for our digital picture frame)! There is Daddy and Kahlen on a slide!” Oh right, she was asking about the pictures… oops my bad.

Sometimes I feel like screaming “NO! NO! NO!!!! NO QUESTIONS TODAY!!!” But really… thats like asking..ummm… like asking… uhhh… SHIT I can’t even come up with a good reference here… STUPID quetsions have me spent… Okay… Im done!

(I Kid you not!!! JUST as I finished typing this I hear Kahlen on the monitor… “MOoommmmyyyy. Where are you?” HA! Insult to injury!)

Oh, come on!

I usually aim to entertain you with stories of my domestic incompetence or stories of how I go off the deep end at some unsuspecting (though deserving) idiot in a public place. Today’s post, however, is a bit different.

I am writing a plea. I am writing to ask all of my friends to give Kahlen a break. There are a few friends recently who have cut down my kid, scolded her for essentially being a 2.5 year old, and who have judged her for being a little more ‘aggressive’ (and is use that term loosely for lack of a better one) lately. Im sure some of you are in a panic now (ha!) worried feverishly about being on my ‘bad side’. Let me put you mind at ease. I am writing about those people in my life who a) have never had a 2.5 year old b) have only one child c) don’t know the ‘joy’ of having a VERY spirited and previously ‘always-center-of-attention’ child and d) ARE JUDGING KAHLEN! Clears that up for you, no?

If you have never raised a 2.5 year old then you truly have no clue what its like to be with one 24/7. Sure, you may have a niece/nephew or best-friends-kid thats 2.5 and whom you spend a lot of time with… but if you dont have your OWN 2.5 year old (or lived through this trying phase with a child who is older now) then let me set you straight! You have no clue! Ha!

So to those people who don’t have a 2.5 year old and who are daring enough to judge my daughter… Shame on you! SHE IS TWO! And more than that, she is 2 and just recently aquired a baby-sister (whether she wants her or not!) in her life. THAT is difficult a child ay any age, but espeically difficult for a young child who isn’t able to fully express her feelings verbally (or even understand them fully for that matter). Kahlen was accustomed to being the center of attention, not having to share her toys, her room, but most importantly her parents attention. All that has changed.

So for anyone that judges her for taking a toy from your kid, or having a tantrum please remember that she is having a rough time right now and is only 2 for murphy’s sake!! She is just learning how to genuinley share things (not just the simplistic ‘sharing of kids less than 18 months. Kahlen WAS for the record, great at that!). She is learning to manage the feelings behind giving up her beloved doll, or how to interpret the anguished cries of your child when she takes a beloved book away. Its a skill, and it takes time to learn and develop (some dults i know are still learning this!). My kid is NOT picking on yours. Kahlen is not being malicious and is not ‘mean’. She is developing a skill just like every other kid her age… BUT Kahlen has the new baby to share with on top of her normal development so cut her some freaking slack if it takes a bit longer.

Im infuriated by the gaul of some people! Fine, judge away if you must, but judge me and my (lacking) parenting skills NOT my kid!

Judge me for not being able to keep my eyes on her all the time because Khloe is nursing/puking/crying/pooping/etc. Judge me for only having one free hand to escort her away when she is having a tantrum because Khloe is having a meltdown in the other arm. Judge me for begin exhausted after a LONG night of getting up with one kid after another and getting zero sleep, and judge me especially hard for not having the time/energy to explain clearly why tantrums are not a constructive way to solve a problem. Go ahead, judge me for all my short comings (for there are many) and my less-than-perfect parenting skills/ability … but DONT, for any reason, hold it against Kahlen. She is a loving, caring, nurturing and generally a gentle child. She is spirited, and outgoing (paradoxically shy too) and VERY LOUD at times. But she my daughter, and like a good ‘momma bear’ I wont let you hurt her or take out your frustrations about my inabilities on her. So, to anyone who has judged Miss K lately… a)Give your head a shake and b) give her a break!!!

Reality vs. The Voice in My Head

My outside voice, in a whispered hush, says:
“Good night Kahlen my love. Sleep well, and when you wake up we are going to go to the water park, and have a picnic at the park. I love you. See you in the morning”

My inside voice, in an intense shriek, says:
“GO THE FAK TO SLEEP. SLEEP QUICKLY AND SOUNDLY, AND DONT YOU DARE WAKE UP IN 10 MINUTES SCREAMING ABOUT THE MONSTERS UNDER YOUR BED. IM DONE, ITS BEEN A LOOOOONG DAY AND THAT GLASS OF WINE IS CALLING MY NAME!!!”

Am I the only one?